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...dead inside... [May. 2nd, 2004|04:33 pm]
[mood |angryangry]
[music |Disturbed - The Game]

-sighs- I'm in pit orchestra for a play called 'Bye Bye Birdie'. One of the songs that we have to play is called One Last Kiss. This has to be one of the most triggering songs I've listened to. For Christs sake, I feel so stupid...getting triggered by the lyrics...

"One last kiss, one last kiss, baby give me one last kiss..."

I hate the lyrics. I hate how they make me feel. Dirty and slutty and like I did something to deserve this. I can still remember him kissing me, telling me how much he was enjoying it, telling me all the dirty, disgusting things he wanted to do to me. How he wanted to 'make love' to me and tie me up and lick honey off my cunt and nibble and suck on my breasts and how he wanted me to have his children. How he wanted to be the first man to kiss me, touch me, do anything to me. And how he got his wish. Because I was weak and stupid and naive. And because it felt -good-.

I hate the term 'bad' touches. And how your parents tell you about the 'bad' touches and the 'good' touches. Damn it, you'd think that the 'bad' touches would feel bad instead of feeling good. You'd think that if someone was doing something you didn't like you wouldn't fucking get aroused by it. You'd think you'd have some sense to push them off of you. No. What did I do? I just laid there! I did absolutely fucking nothing. I can't believe it.

I'm so disgusted with myself right now. I want to cut until there's absolutely nothing left of me and my horrible body. I want to slice up my lips and breast and thighs and cunt and stomach and neck and make myself so ugly and undesirable that no one in their right mind will ever want me again. No one. Because I hate this. And I hate him. God fucking hell, what's wrong with me?! Sick. Sick disgusting little dirty worthless whore. That's how the damn song makes me feel. Fucking hell, it's a song. A SONG. It shouldn't make me feel like that. But it does. It makes my stomach turn to knots and my mind go blank. It leaves me feeling numb inside. With that little ache of pain that's always left over. Why do I have to relive this fucking shit?

I'm sorry.