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.soft.wolf.

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.fuck.you. [Feb. 29th, 2004|06:48 pm]
.soft.wolf.
[mood |dirtydirty]
[music |Enemy - Disturbed]

out out out out out. get out of my fucking head. go away. god damn it hate you. hate you with a passion. hate with an unexplaniable vengence. want to cut you up. want to beat you. want to kill you. fuck you. god damn it. i want you out of my fucking head. i want your lips off of my mouth and my body. get out get away. leave me the fuck alone. dont ever touch me again. dont even think of touching me again. god i hate this all. i really really hate this all. they never get out of my head. he never gets out of my head. and i hate this misery. i hate everything. i hate it. i want to slice it all out and get blood everywhere. i want to slice it out and never remember again. that horrible feeling of being a slut a whore a useless little fucking plaything. i want it out and away and gone forever.

why cant i seem to escape this. why cant i just forget about it. it feels like a fucking dream anyways. maybe its not real. maybe its all just some fucked up illusion. but then it comes racing back to me again. and again. racing back. the memories. him kissing me with his mouth and hands everywhere at once. destroying me. fuck you. god i hate this. i really do. and i cant deal anymore. i dont know what to do. my entire world is coming down crashing before my eyes. and im defensless to it. and i dont really care. i just want it over with.

what is my reality anymore. the more and more i try not to think about it the more and more it keeps coming back. i cant have people touching me. or kissing me or holding me or fucking anything without pulling away. i suppose thats the way its supposed to be. thats the way its going to be. because its what i deserve. after all im just a stupid whore who doesnt know when to say no.

thats all i am.
and all i ever will be.
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...confused.... [Feb. 29th, 2004|11:55 am]
.soft.wolf.
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |My Immortal - Evanescence]

i'm not sure what to say or think or feel anymore. i'm not sure...it's like i'm dead inside. -shrugs- and the nightmares still haunt me. and i'm not sure if i can wait another two weeks to see my therapist. she's new. haven't met her before...so i'm kinda freaked out. also scared that she's going to call my mom and tell her -everything- that's been going on. my previous counselor talked to her about the abuse and stuff...and my mom thinks there's something -seriously- wrong with me. well, no shit. she's been prying at the nightmares again and again trying to get me to tell her what they're about. like i'll -ever- do that.

-sighs-

god i feel sick. she's also saying shes going to take me to the doctor to get me checked out. i don't want to do that. i don't want to know how much damage i've done to my liver and kidneys. it doesn't matter anyways...god damn it. why do i have to feel so fucking trapped?

<3
alex
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...-waves- [Feb. 25th, 2004|04:44 pm]
.soft.wolf.
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |Voice - Disturbed]

....and i'm not sure what to say....my head hurts. so does my stomach. and my moms been bitching at me all day because ive been completely silent. no energy. too many flashbacks. too much everything...


<3
alex
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