|...kill me already damn it...
||[Apr. 29th, 2004|04:46 pm]
|||||Jewel - Foolish Games||]|
i can still remember that one day when it got so out of control and went so insane. the day i lost everything i held so dear. my innocence. everything. gone in a flash. and then nothing. absolutly nothing except the feeling of being slutty, and dirty, and whoreish, and horrible. and somehow having a part in all of the madness. somehow it being my fault. if i just would have spoken up, or told him to stop, or never seen him in the first place or...
i had a therapy session yesterday. the amount of effort it takes to talk is truly amazing. most of the time was just in silence or me attempting to make coherant sense out of the times that i do remember with him. the words not comming out and me breaking down shaking and staring blankly at the wall. -sighs-
my mother and i had a huge fight last night. over nothing. aboslutly nothing. just kept screaming at eachother over nothing but then again everything. about how i don't talk to her or tell her anything or how it's my fault we don't have a relationship and how i don't respect her or anything like that. she ended up shoving me around and stuff. left a mark that stayed for quite a while on my arm. oh well. fuck it all. i deserved it anyways.
fuck. damn it all. damn it damn it damn it. i hate this. i really hate this all. why do i have to deal with this stupid fucking shit? god damn it all. fuck it all to hell. i hate this. and i want it all to stop. i want it to go away.
my mom said she'd help me in any way. i wanted to tell her to get me a fucking gun so i could kill myself. and my psychiatrist is supposed to call back with news about what we're supposed to do with my medication since it's not working. i'm pretty damn sure that he's gonna tell me to take 2 Risperdol instead of one. fuck, why don't i just take the entire bottle and see if it does anything.
i'm so numb inside. so cold and numb and unfeeling.
and i know it doesn't matter.
it stopped mattering a long time ago.
because now i'm nothing.
*hugs you tight* Alex I'm so sorry hun... I'm sorry you and your mom got into a fight, and I can't believe she touched you and left a mark on you!!! Honestly sweetie, you should tell someone. It's not right for her to do that to you. You're not a slut, or dirty, or a whore, or horrible... you're none of those things. You're beautiful, kind, caring, amazing... I just wish you could see that. It's not your fault, Alex. It's not your fault that he did that to you. HE'S the one who took advantage of you like that... so it's HIS fault... not yours. *hugs you so tight* I'm sorry your psych appointment went so awful yesterday... I wish you didn't have to go through any of this. *hugs you tight* I wish I could be there with you. It does matter, Alex, because you're not nothing. You're something in so many people's eyes, mine for one. I love you so much hun, and I'm always here for you. Never forget that, ok? My computer is getting fixed today, so I should be on tonight. I love you hun.
extreme bliss. hahaha. ahh i love you so much hun. (and for the record, i'm at school, which is why i'm on the computer right now.) Love you so much!
i love you so much too, sweetie.
i hope that you're doing ok and i'm sorry i wasn't online until late last night (i went shopping...*sighs*)
and toinght i think i'm going to a party...i'm sorry....
i hope i get to talk to you soon. i'm sure i will...drop me an e-mail and tell me what's been going on please...i love you so freaking much....